Say my name

I finally had the pleasure of seeing yurt boy, although I guess now Aaron is yurt-less boy since he lost everything in the fire. He said he was angry at first but now is resigned. Putting a positive spin on the tragedy, he said, was that he could buy any book now and be certain that he did not have it already. He now had five outfits that he rotated through the week thanks to a recent trip to Goodwill and what he escaped with. I wanted get him some clothes for his birthday which was just around the corner.  He assured me that he was not picky, unlike a man that I used to share a closet with.

After he met me at work with his bicycle, he was chuckling as we walked to my car to leave. He was laughing because he thought people must think I picked up a homeless man to take home. With his three bags, bike, funky sandals that laced over his pants (which I hated), uncombed long blond hair and beard, yeah, he looks, and actually was homeless, since the fire. I tried to reason that it was all about context really. If you saw him on the Adirondack trail or in the Rockies, you would think he was a mountain man, a Grizzley Adams type.

Now he was homeless, living temporarily with his uncle in town. I didn't even know he had an uncle nearby.  I was just happy that he was safe and alive. Part of me wished he could live with me until he figured out a better solution but I didn't think it would set a good example for Jay, having a guy around who was not going to permanent yet was very intimate. Truth be told, I didn't want him getting used to Aaron because he was not going to be around forever. Maybe I was scared of what Jay's dad would say since I gave him the third degree about sleeping with his girlfriend when she was visiting and Jay was around. Maybe still, I knew it would piss me off to have him around if he was not contributing anything but sexual gratification while I was working 40 hours a week, housing, and feeding him.

He would not have taken me up on the offer anyway because he wanted to be close to school and his friends in town. Living with his uncle was a good solution for now.

At home, I fed horses and got the mail.  Then my ex called to complain about our 5 year old son's lack of responsibility. Seems he was given some money for his birthday to put in the bank. His dad told him to put the money in his pocket. Instead of going straight to the bank, they went for a haircut, and a cupcake. By the time they got to the bank, the money was gone. I listened trying not to yell at him but instead be calm to his rant. How could he blame his child for this?

I was so worked up after the call that I collapsed on the couch with a huge growl/sigh and my feet on Aaron's lap. He knew how to calm me down even though it had been so long since we had been together. He slowly rubbed my feet and calves. He hit some sore spots that made me yelp in pain.
"You are holding your anger here," as he pressed on my ankle.
"Please, that hurts, can you press lighter?"
He put his fingers on my arm and gentle pressed. "This is how hard I am pressing."
It was not much at all. I knew from previous massages that sometimes to get the release, it had to hurt some. I kissed his palm and asked him to continue.  It felt so nice to be cared for.

"Are you still angry?"
"yes," I said unable to let it go.
"Use me to get your anger out.  Come fuck me."

He knew I thought sex was a great reliever of stress from anger and much more fun than cleaning, which was how I got rid of anger when I was alone.

 After a heroic effort to purge the anger from my heart, we lay in bed, his head on my stomach which rumbled so violently, his head raised.

"I'm hungry too," he said smiling but not offering to cook.

Trouble was, I really didn't feel like making anything. My creativity was zapped. I ended up cooking some bacon and stir frying green beans in the bacon fat.

"Aaron, dinner will be haricots verts stir-fried in pork belly drippings." I announced laughing because it sounded so much better than green beans fried in bacon grease.

A healthy shot of tequila in bubbly lime water washed it down pretty well. Maybe the  tequila would help break down the bacon fat faster. I felt pretty relaxed afterwards and we watched "Through the Wormhole" about quantum physics for awhile before heading back to bed. He told me that he thought time was spherical not linear. Time travel was possible just not in the physical way like on Dr. Who, he went on. I thought it was interesting but didn't feel like talking about it at the moment.

It was nice to have him at my house again. He was comfortable to have around, like my favorite slippers. We screwed around until we were exhausted and maybe beyond exhausted. It had been awhile since we had seen each other.

I curled into him with my head on his arm, his heavy arm over me, anchoring him to me.
"are you ok like this?" I whispered, feeling comfortably secure.
"Like what?"
"With my head on your arm. Will your arm fall asleep or get tired?"
"mmm no, I like it. Goodnight my sweet Nell"

 He said my name after saying goodnight. My name. One of the things that had bugged me about my married life was that my ex never said my name. I became depersonalized, if that made any sense. Just having someone say "goodnight" and then say my name after, was so comforting and sweet. Not "Babe", "sweetheart", "darling" but my given name. I fell asleep happy, wondering if it was as important for him to hear me say his name too.