Sunday, April 8, 2018

birthday

I want to scream at them. "You are the most selfish people that ever lived! How can you be so egocentric!!"

It is my birthday. My mother is dying and I have just come from spending 4 days with her. She knows who we are, knows what she likes and does not like but can't get the words out and sometimes gets confused if too much is said to her at once. She has a cancer in her liver and was diagnosed after Christmas because the doctor didn't want to ruin her holiday. It was stage 4. The doctors never want to give you a death sentence by telling you how many months you have left but at age 80, she figured her time was winding down anyway and she missed my dad, her husband of 55 years. She decided against treatment.

I came home for my birthday, praying my mother would not die on my birthday Many friends have had parents die around holidays and they could never really celebrate the holiday because of the grief. I too, was being selfish by wanting her to stick around a little longer.

My son is at his father's house. His parents are visiting and they are planning to have a house warming party today, on my birthday. Originally, they said our son probably would love to skip the party and be able to spend the day with me. But then the ex and his wife invited people with son's his age who began to ask if my son would be at the party. Plans suddenly changed without asking me. It was decided that there was a small window of time where I could come into town after they had brunch and we could do something close by together as long as I had him back so he could help set up for the party. That would be ok with me, right? They asked, not really wanting the real answer.

So being emotionally drained from worrying about my mother and the company I work for, changing ownership, I didn't have the energy to fight them. I did request that in the future, birthdays were sacred. In fact, if I looked it up on our divorce papers, I probably would see it written in there. I just don't want to revisit those papers.

I just don't understand how four adults, my ex and his wife and my former in-laws, could not see how important it might be for a son to spend the day with his mother on her birthday when her own mother is dying. Even if he were around and we were not doing anything fun, he would be there for me to hug and talk to.  I don't have a significant other and I don't want my son to assume the caretaker role at age 13, but the simple comfort that he would provide by being near me would help ease the pain.

When he was born, my ex did not stay with us in the hospital. Instead the day our son was born, he left in the afternoon to go meet his parents who were flying in the big event. They were supposed to bring dinner to me about 6pm and then I could have a good night's rest after my c-section. I was getting hungry and the nurse came in with the hospital menu. "Oh no," I told her happily, "My husband and in-laws are bringing dinner." She left the menu, just in case.

At 6, they called to say they were running late. I asked if I should order dinner in and they could take their time. No,no they assured me, we want to bring in something wonderful. You don't want to eat hospital food. At 7pm, I was really hungry. The kitchen would close for dinner in 30 minutes. I called them. They informed me the restaurant they wanted to go to was closed on Sundays! So they had to make a plan B. Ok, I will order something here. Don't worry about it. No, no don't do that. You won't be hungry when we bring you this great meal. I found some crackers and passed the time with our son when the nurse brought him in to eat. They took him away quickly though so I was watching the clock wondering if they had completely forgotten about me. Maybe they thought with a sewed up gash in my abdomen, I would not want to eat. I needed food to make food for the baby. I had not eaten anything but those scrounged up crackers all day. About 9pm as I was dosing off, they burst in the room with bags of Italian food they brought from a nearby restaurant. I was angry but ate a little bit. This should have given me a clue about the lot of them thinking about other people.

So here I am at home. I am crying because my mother will not eat and has asked my sister to give her morphine. She asks my sister how long it will take, as if my sister has given her a lethal dose to take her to the next place her spirit will reside. I am crying because in the past I have made such a big deal about how I think birthdays are the one day where you can be egocentric and selfish but I don't want anyone around but my son. I am crying because the day is cold and grey. I can't even get rid of the dispair by doing the menial tasks around the house that usually are a good way to dilute the pain and anger.

When my son's dad suggested that we have that time together between their brunch and the party, I told him that if I picked up our son, I would not bring him back and that would not suit their plans at all. I wanted to be nasty and text something biting back to him about being selfish for planning something with our son on my birthday. I didn't. I took the high road. I always take the high road.

By  the time my son comes to me tonight, it will be too late to get dinner at any of the small places I like in our little town. Likely, I won't feel like eating anyway. Aries, the babies of the zodiac. All about us, which is why my birthday is special to me. I think I need to rethink this.