A high school friend asked me, on Facebook, if I would ever see myself getting married again. I had some time to think about the answer.

I decided I would like to share my life with someone but they would have to fit in my life. I will not go changing myself again to fit into someone else's life. Another gentleman friend of mine told me that I was too busy to date anyone and that I live too far away to make dating me convenient. My thought on that was if someone cared for me enough, it would not be considered an inconvenience but a privilege. I would feel the same.

The first friend mentioned how one former classmate seemed to go through men like crazy. She is a beautiful woman and I am not sure what she was like in high school but she seems very nice now and like she deserves to find happiness as much as anyone else. Maybe she just had a run of wrong for her dudes.

I pulled out the yearbook when I got home and looked through it while my son fell asleep. There were some lovely young women in my senior class who were not in the popular clique. In fact it seemed that many in the popular clique were not as attractive as the ones I was seeing and remembering from this class or that. I wonder if they realize how pretty they were then, probably not. I wonder if they are still as lovely now.

I read my senior bio and laughed to see my likes and dislikes are still very similar. Future plans changes from broadcast journalism to photo journalism but I said I wanted to "do what I like, when I like." Boy that is still so true. Maybe I am coming back to being my authentic self. The one who believed that she could do anything, before people started telling her "no" or working on breaking down her self confidence.

Sometimes I think my job is like a bad boyfriend who keeps telling you that you are fat and worthless. Nothing you do for him is appreciated or recognized. The job I have been in for 17 years, like a relationship, did not start out bad. Somewhere along the line the communication stopped because it became too difficult to be honest. Need to get to that marriage counselor to save things or get a divorce.

Seeing some of the faces in the yearbook got me thinking about somethings I want to apologize for. Things even beyond high school. The boy who was not ready but I ignored him. I feel bad about that now and it has taken me many years to feel bad about it. I wanted him to ask me to prom and he did not. So when the opportunity arose, I took something from him that he could never get back.

The nice guy who drove an hour for a date and I planned a work thing. He went with me but then I think I was aloof  because I had started dating my ex husband at the same time. I should have been honest rather than rude. I was collecting dates to make myself feel more wanted and powerful.

I will always wonder what happened to the sweet guy who worked at the park where I volunteered. We had so much fun together. We went camping on Assateague Island, horses ate our food and we got eaten alive by mosquitoes but we laughed a lot. I told him I did not want to settle down with any guy at the time when I should have said I wanted to settled with my Ex instead of him. In retrospect, Mike would have been a much better choice, as we had much more in common but I was hung up on appearances.

I am trying to be honest now in personal relationships. It seems to be working well for me. If I can't be honest, I hold my tongue. I will have to win the lottery to be honest in my job. It takes some diplomacy. My brand of honesty would seem combative because of the way I have worked the system in the past. I would get fired or promoted. I am not ready to find out just yet.