Sadness

I had two dreams of Sahil, my small but graceful Egyptian Arabian, in the last 6 months. In one dream we were lying together in a beautiful hilly field bathed in golden light. His head was on my lap and we were so peaceful. I could feel the love and devotion he had for me. I think also in that dream we were cantering around the mountains, through fields of flowers up and down hills and we were so happy. There was not fear, only a togetherness and partnership that was filled with trust. The dream ended with us lying in the field together.

I took that dream to mean we had reach a new level in our partnership. After falling off him and suffering a serious injury, I was looking for a sign that things were getting better.

The other dream also took place in the mountains. We were climbing up hills through a mountain village with streets so narrow, cars were not allowed or perhaps did not exist. The homes were built into the hillside and steps to front doors came right off the street. Window boxes spilled of brightly colored flowers brightening the white and gray facades. Sahil and I rode through the street looking for something that I cannot remember. I got off him to go into a home for a visit and when I came out he was gone. I looked everywhere for him. I asked everyone but no one had seen him. I was not worried that he had been stolen, I just needed to find him. I woke up still searching.

Now I realize that maybe those dream were trying to let me know he would be leaving me soon.

Sahil died Sunday. It was fast. I barely had time to say goodbye. In fact looking back, I did not say goodbye like I would have liked to because while his body was on the ground engulfed in a seizure, his spirit was not there anymore. By the time the emergency vet answered the phone, by the time my neighbor got me a hose to cool him down, before the other horses realized what had happened, he was gone.

My last living memory of him is listening to him scream from the pasture to greet me and Bailey as we came back from our ride. This was not unusual, he was always screaming at me when I can out of the house in the morning to feed, when I drove in the driveway, or anytime I would say hello to him.

I rode down the driveway, untacked Bailey and started to give him a bath. That is when my neighborhood friend Amy came running down the driveway. "Sahil is down! Gary is with him. Call the vet." It was like my mind shut off. I could not think. What happened? Broken leg? heat stroke? I ran to Sahil and Gary as I was on the phone with Rachel trying to see which vet could get there the fastest. Sahil lay twitching on the ground, legs straight out. His eyes were rolling back in his head. I paged the emergency vet and got it wrong 4 times as I pet Sahil's neck begging him to hang in there. Amy and Gary drove to the neighbor across the street who is a vet. She was not home. I felt horrible bothering her but Sahil was dying in front of me and I was helpless. The emergency vet called me back as Sahil took his last breath. "What is the emergency?," he asked. " Well none now I think my horse just died., " I answered in shock. There was no pulse. I hung up and stood there in disbelief. I tried to shut his eyes but they would not shut. My neighbors came back and stood with me. One went to get a tarp, the other fly spray. I walked across the pasture to close the gate so the Bailey and Dewey wold not go near Sahil's body. Bailey was still in the cross ties where I had stopped, mid-shampoo. I rinsed him down and put him in with Dewey.

Slowly others came by. They saw the tarp and immediately knew something was wrong. A crowd was gathering. I felt like I should get refreshments. I felt numb (I still do). People called friends with back hoes so we could bury Sahil as soon as possible. Having a dead horse in your front yard with triple digit heat can make the property values plummet. I thought of this because there were red and white balloons bobbing up and down on an open house sign two houses down the hill from the pasture where Sahil lay. I went in the house with Rachel. The others put the hose out to wet the ground so we could dig a hole and they put my tack away. Gary and Amy came back from their errand with a plant and some horse treats, so sweet considering I had probably wrecked their morning plans. My friends were so wonderful to offer comfort and support. Jake was at Mark and Carol's across the street and they offered to keep him as long as I needed. Others offered to have Jake if they needed to get things done. I felt helpless, trying not to look at the blue tarp in the front pasture.

Lorre reached the man who buried her horse. He lived close by and was at our house in a half an hour. I told him where to bury Sahil and he began to dig. Rachel and Lorre took me to get something to eat and a margarita so I would not have to see the empty shell of Sahil being buried.

I wonder how many feedings I will go through before I don't cry anymore when I pass the wash rack where I fed him. I wonder how long it will take before I don't miss his scream hello when I come home from work. Sahil was sensitive, easily bored, a prankster and very loving. It was easy to forget that I needed to have boundaries when it came to handling him. He will be missed.

crazy weather

I watched the storm roll in via TV. Outside I could see the gray clouds piling up to the north. The air was heavy and still but the tree frogs were singing their normal summer song. I hurried to feed the horses so I could get them all back together in the pasture to fend for themselves in case we got bad weather. Back inside the storm still had not reached Austin. Not wanting to scare kiddo, who was just quizzing me about tornadoes this morning, I watched the weather upstairs while he watched his show downstairs. From the bedroom, I could see an amazing lightening show. Time to go get stuff ready.

Downstairs, I cleaned out the closet under the stairs. We keep out cleaning supplies there so I transplanted them to the back hallway. I put down a sheet, some floor pillows, a cube pillow and got a sleeping bag. My mother called from Virginia to let me know a tornado was spotted in Austin. Uh, yeah, thanks. As if I was not worried enough as it is. I quickly hung up and continued my quest to make the closet fun. I gathered a flash light and head lamp.

I told Jake we were going to have a cave adventure. He tried it out and decided it might be fun. He got his portable DVD player, his Bakergan and two rubber snakes. He brought in banana bread and chocolate milk. I grabbed my computer and some books for him. We put up a baby gate to keep the dogs out of the closet. I love them but they are stinky and hot.

At this moment, Gatsby is sitting just outside the baby gate in the hallway, whining occasionally. Daisy in in the kitchen and Jake and I are lounging on the pillows in the closet. He is watching Ant Bully and I am typing away. The door to the closet is still open and the TV is on although I really cannot hear it because of the movie. If I shut the door to the closet Gatsby gets very worried. The storm seems to have weakened but not the thunder. Jake and I are kind of comfy and will hang here until it goes away. Anything for him to go to bed later.

Summer cicadas

I am listening to the cicadas sing their summer song and it reminds me of summers past, growing up in a house in the woods of Maryland. The trees were so tall and blocked the afternoon sun so you thought it was really later than it was.

Yesterday I found a cicada skin shed by the growing bug. I brought it in to show my son. I used to gather these in the summer plucking them off trees and hunting all over trying to get more than my sisters and brother. I had a small box that once held some piece of jewelry with some cotton in it that I would keep my cicada skins in.

We spent so much time outside playing in the woods. We would run down our steep driveway through the cul de sac and into the woods that took us down another long hill to the stream. We had our favorite areas. One spot had a dead tree that we could hide in. One opening of the tree was on the top side of the bank and the other lower where a spring came out. We would climb though and pretend it was a house, or a rocket. The earth was worn smooth from our bottoms scraping the dirt from the top of the bank to the stream bed.

Further downstream was a favorite place to catch crayfish. We would catch them and bring them home. Mom would make us take them back the next day telling us they would not survive in tap water. Looking back on this, I think she just wanted her Tupperware back in the cabinet where it belonged.

We would come home soaking wet from slipping on leaves and ending up in the stream. We would have snake swim through our arms as we careful held the Tupperware steady in the current patiently waiting for the crayfish to fall into our trap. We walked through small waterfalls. Practiced balancing of slippery rocks and hopped from rock to rock across the stream. We never ventured into the woods across the stream, to this day I don't remember what was on the other side but more woods. I never got poison ivy or got bitten by a poisonous snake. We would be away from home for hours. As the day ended we would trudge slowly up the hill home using small branches to pull ourselves up the steep hill. We always wondered if the hike home was worth going to ply in the stream. But the next day we would run happily down the hill and do it all over again.

Parenting challenge

We have the battle of wills at home every so often. They seem to be getting more intense as the little man gets older.

Yesterday was an easy day until I began to exert my will upon my child. I had to work so he needed to go to a neighbor's house for awhile. He loves these folks and, as a mater of fact, we spent the evening before over at their house for dinner. They are not strangers to us.

As soon as we went to get in the car to go, he suddenly has a tummy ache of unspecified origin. Then he does not want to go, in fact, he wants to go to work with me. UH no. I can get much more done, quickly, without a 4 yr old under foot. I tried to explain this and that I would be home quickly if I could just go, do my thing and come home.

We arrived at another neighbor's where we were to meet everyone for a pool outing. Now I cannot get him out of the car. Nimbly he hops back and forth over the seats, just out of reach. I am losing patience, counting to ten. I gather his stuff, slam the car doors, take a spare set of keys just in case he locks himself in (the car is running) and walk away. I linger with the adults explaining the issue. Nathan, 6, goes and tries to get Jake out of the car. No luck.

I walk back, Karen who is watching him for me comes with me. She sweetly opens the back door and explains to Jake that she just wants to talk to him and she is not going to grab him out of the car. He hops to the front. I open the door, tired of this nonsense, and grab him. I carry him to the poolside and sit him on my lap while he clings to me like a baby koala bear on his momma.

Finally he decides that he wants to go play inside. The hostess and I take him in show him where the bathroom his (he knows but it is a cautionary measure). He settled in and I high-tailed it out of there.

I got an email later letting me know that he was happy, playing in the pool and having a great time. He spent 20 minutes playing inside, regaining his composure but after that..... good times.