mowing zen

Mowing the pasture was like meditation to her. Not the clear your "monkey mind" type of meditation but the complete opposite where she could let her mind wander and her inner monologue take a spin around the pasture as she cut the back 40.
The horses watched her pass on the noisy beast and followed her along the fence, curious, even though they had seen her mow before. Maybe they just wanted to watch the grasshoppers leap from the tall weeds as she rolled though blades engaged.

What pattern would she use today? She broke the pasture up in squares and rectangles, changing the plan when she got bored. It was so easy to let her mind wander. It was past baby bunny season so she had less chance of running over a nest. There was nothing to pay attention to but the pattern.

She wondered if she thought about sex more than other women her age. Menopause was on the horizon but she still was an interested sex as much as a 15 year old boy.  The difference was that she knew a lot more about it than a 15 year old boy. When she was 12 she probably knew more than one too.

She was the snoop in the family. She found the hidden Christmas presents first, and the cookies mom hid high in the pantry, While looking through her mother's bedside table for the Brach's chocolate Bridge Mix her mom hid there from the family, she found "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * but were afraid to ask". She forgot about the candy and took the book to her bedroom, reading as much as she could before her mom got home. Looking back she wondered why her parents had it. What did they want to know? They had already had four children. Did dad get it for mom to spice things up? She read it cover to cover and hoped her mother did not miss it from the bedside drawer.

When she was about 13, she found "The Joy of Sex" in dad's closet, high on a shelf ,with a limited number of Playboy magazines. She thought she might have been looking for hidden Christmas presents at the time. The drawings of the hairy man and the woman who didn't shave her pits, excited her although she had no concept of what it would feel like to do what they were doing. At least she knew what a penis looked like now. Did her parents consult the book on the nights they locked their door? They were younger at the time than she was now.

The sun ducked behind a cloud as she cut the weeds with the tiny yellow flowers. She would have to cut them several times because the stems were stringy like armpit hair of the woman in the book. What even made her think of those books? If her parents had known she had seen them when she was that young, they would have been mortified.

She remembered when she was in college and asked her mother about birth control, she had been on the pill since she was sixteen without her mother's knowledge.  Her mother's response was something like "when you are married, you can research and decided what is best for you."

How do other people learn about sex? Her husband thought he was an expert with a few soulful kisses, couple squeezes here and there, then in and out until he was finished. "That was great, honey," he would say, "you are amazing." She wished she could have said the same. A male friend told her that they were likely sexually mismatched. Likely?

At age 14, her family spent the holidays in Florida. She would sit on the porch of the 3rd floor condo and search the beach for cute boys to "accidentally" run into. In the game room one night she met a 20 year old who seemed bored. They played some pool and then he left to get stoned. What would have happened if he had not been a sensible man and decided to  of take advantage her oh-so-obvious   teenage advances?

The sun was back out and she was glad she remembered to wear her father's old Aussie outback gardening hat and safety sunglasses.  Nothing like having a bug or flying debris smack you in the eye while you mow. Her monkey mind had not swung to a different vine yet. Sex. The clouds were beginning to get dark and the wind was picking up. Turning the wrong way on the mower meant a face full of grass and dirt.

There were so many different types of grass in the pasture. They had gone to seed. The seed pods flew out of the mower as she made the long pass. Would they propagate and make thicker grass? damn, sex again. At least this time it was plant sex.

Rain drops started to fall as she the last bits. The horses had been lulled to sleep in the shade by the drone of the mower.  Her monkey mind was quieter now.  With the weeds cut down, the grass could grow. Her mind was free to move on to more practical and productive things now.