Sadness

I had two dreams of Sahil, my small but graceful Egyptian Arabian, in the last 6 months. In one dream we were lying together in a beautiful hilly field bathed in golden light. His head was on my lap and we were so peaceful. I could feel the love and devotion he had for me. I think also in that dream we were cantering around the mountains, through fields of flowers up and down hills and we were so happy. There was not fear, only a togetherness and partnership that was filled with trust. The dream ended with us lying in the field together.

I took that dream to mean we had reach a new level in our partnership. After falling off him and suffering a serious injury, I was looking for a sign that things were getting better.

The other dream also took place in the mountains. We were climbing up hills through a mountain village with streets so narrow, cars were not allowed or perhaps did not exist. The homes were built into the hillside and steps to front doors came right off the street. Window boxes spilled of brightly colored flowers brightening the white and gray facades. Sahil and I rode through the street looking for something that I cannot remember. I got off him to go into a home for a visit and when I came out he was gone. I looked everywhere for him. I asked everyone but no one had seen him. I was not worried that he had been stolen, I just needed to find him. I woke up still searching.

Now I realize that maybe those dream were trying to let me know he would be leaving me soon.

Sahil died Sunday. It was fast. I barely had time to say goodbye. In fact looking back, I did not say goodbye like I would have liked to because while his body was on the ground engulfed in a seizure, his spirit was not there anymore. By the time the emergency vet answered the phone, by the time my neighbor got me a hose to cool him down, before the other horses realized what had happened, he was gone.

My last living memory of him is listening to him scream from the pasture to greet me and Bailey as we came back from our ride. This was not unusual, he was always screaming at me when I can out of the house in the morning to feed, when I drove in the driveway, or anytime I would say hello to him.

I rode down the driveway, untacked Bailey and started to give him a bath. That is when my neighborhood friend Amy came running down the driveway. "Sahil is down! Gary is with him. Call the vet." It was like my mind shut off. I could not think. What happened? Broken leg? heat stroke? I ran to Sahil and Gary as I was on the phone with Rachel trying to see which vet could get there the fastest. Sahil lay twitching on the ground, legs straight out. His eyes were rolling back in his head. I paged the emergency vet and got it wrong 4 times as I pet Sahil's neck begging him to hang in there. Amy and Gary drove to the neighbor across the street who is a vet. She was not home. I felt horrible bothering her but Sahil was dying in front of me and I was helpless. The emergency vet called me back as Sahil took his last breath. "What is the emergency?," he asked. " Well none now I think my horse just died., " I answered in shock. There was no pulse. I hung up and stood there in disbelief. I tried to shut his eyes but they would not shut. My neighbors came back and stood with me. One went to get a tarp, the other fly spray. I walked across the pasture to close the gate so the Bailey and Dewey wold not go near Sahil's body. Bailey was still in the cross ties where I had stopped, mid-shampoo. I rinsed him down and put him in with Dewey.

Slowly others came by. They saw the tarp and immediately knew something was wrong. A crowd was gathering. I felt like I should get refreshments. I felt numb (I still do). People called friends with back hoes so we could bury Sahil as soon as possible. Having a dead horse in your front yard with triple digit heat can make the property values plummet. I thought of this because there were red and white balloons bobbing up and down on an open house sign two houses down the hill from the pasture where Sahil lay. I went in the house with Rachel. The others put the hose out to wet the ground so we could dig a hole and they put my tack away. Gary and Amy came back from their errand with a plant and some horse treats, so sweet considering I had probably wrecked their morning plans. My friends were so wonderful to offer comfort and support. Jake was at Mark and Carol's across the street and they offered to keep him as long as I needed. Others offered to have Jake if they needed to get things done. I felt helpless, trying not to look at the blue tarp in the front pasture.

Lorre reached the man who buried her horse. He lived close by and was at our house in a half an hour. I told him where to bury Sahil and he began to dig. Rachel and Lorre took me to get something to eat and a margarita so I would not have to see the empty shell of Sahil being buried.

I wonder how many feedings I will go through before I don't cry anymore when I pass the wash rack where I fed him. I wonder how long it will take before I don't miss his scream hello when I come home from work. Sahil was sensitive, easily bored, a prankster and very loving. It was easy to forget that I needed to have boundaries when it came to handling him. He will be missed.